Friend

I used to take for granted the ability to make friends. In any school class, there are those kids who because of shyness, lack of grace or social ineptitude, hang on the sidelines at the playground. In childhood, I was guilty at times at ostracizing these kids though I don't recall ever being directly mean. I just was preoccupied with my own friends.

Since we lived in the country, I made sure our kids had a steady stream of friends over to visit. We have a big house, a pond and a woods to explore, so kids gladly accepted a play date or overnight invitation. If a child was having a rough time socially, I taught them to find a kid that didn't have a friend and befriend them. If there were cliques in their class, be the friend that doesn't back stab and treats people gently. In the face of rudeness, I'd say t'is better to be kind than clever.

Some of the people I work with have a wide circle of friends, but those friendships tend to be superficial. Surrounding oneself with lots of people can be a defense against the anxious loneliness caused by insecurity from early childhood. Being alone triggers old fears caused by Mom leaving them alone way too much or frequently dumping them at sitters. These are the same people who compulsively talk on cell phones. Their abandonment fears become unbearable and they have to talk or be with another human being at all times. I have patients who are afraid to turn off their cell phones even during their analytic hour. Often they train their children to call them over every little thing. Every call reassures them that they are not alone.

These people are searching for something that fills an empty void. Faith certainly helps. I lead people to scripture verses that they can use when the fear overwhelms them. Good verses are Isaiah 41:10, Philippians 4:6-7 and 2 Timothy 1:7. Also by directly addressing the loneliness, the fear, the sadness and the rage, room is made for hope, love and growth.

Others I work with used to be that kid hanging on the sidelines of the school yard. They never had a snow ball fight, raced bikes down a hill, had sleepovers, went to camp, played flashlight tag at dusk, or partook of other pleasures of childhood. In high school these kids didn't play sports, join the band or chorus, participate in clubs, or go to games and dances. Some even avoided class field trips because they were so afraid of the other kids. Their adulthood has been a continuation of their isolated childhood. Not infrequently, I find these people were raised by an insane mother or dad.

Most have difficulty leaving home and holding jobs. There is little joy in their life. It's like they use an instructional manual for life written in Icelandic. They are 8 track tapes in an MP3 world. I am their friend, usually their only friend. And that humbles me greatly because I want very much to be a friend that doesn't hurt them and teaches them what a friend can be and how the world works. Little by little I lead them out of their pre-occupation with themselves and get them to notice a world beyond the end of their own nose.