Anniversary

A man arrived in my office in obvious distress. His mother, he told me, keeps calling his house wanting to speak to his teenaged son. She calls seven or eight times a day ignoring whatever she is told. She might be told that the boy was at school or would be at soccer practice until six. It didn't matter because she'd call back within an hour asking once more if he were there. She's hoping he'll take her out to eat.

The obsessive phone calls usually mean she is heading for a breakdown. Her son has been down this path many times with her. It is he who has to take matters in hand and insist that mom go see her psychiatrist once again. Her doctor is competent, thank God, but she is one of the chronically insane that can only be more or less managed medically.

Something is familiar about his mom's behavior. Hadn't she been seriously wobbly this time last year I queried? He went silent, pondered my question and then turned to look at the wall calendar beside his chair. Yes, he replied and he knew why.

Fifteen to twenty years ago, in mid-September, his family had been rocked by a tragedy. His brother's wife and son were both killed in a car wreck. Many times we had discussed the impact on him and on his brother, but we'd never talked about how his mom had dealt with the deaths of her daughter-in-law and oldest grandson.

It seems that on that day, she had called her daughter-in-law asking if she would take her out to eat. Her daughter-in-law and grandson were on the way to pick up Mom when the accident occurred. It took a moment for me to absorb what he was telling me, but his mom's compulsive phone calls suddenly made sense. She was calling her grandson wanting him to take her out to eat. She was unconsciously trying to recreate that fateful scenario of so many years past but this time, there would be a living grandson and maybe on some level a happier ending.

Anniversary reactions happen to us all. Sometimes we are aware of the anniversary. Frequently we are not. Sometimes it's the anniversary of a significant event like the death date of loved one. It may be an anniversary year like turning the same age that that loved one was when he/she died. An anniversary year can line up with one's kid's age. For example a man whose baby sister died when he was seven years old melted down physically when his own son turned seven. These are a few examples of different types of anniversary responses. The unconscious mind of this man's mother was talking loud and clear but it took hard work to be able to understand what was being communicated.