Another Country

Experiencing the realities of my mother's extreme old age really has been like entering a foreign country. Mary Pipher's book on aging is aptly named. The world of the very old coexists side by side with the regular world of work, school, family and home responsibilities. It is, however, for the most part a hidden world kept secret from most of us on a day to day basis. The psychoanalysts know that death, sex and bathroom duties all are linked at the unconscious level. Huh? Yes, because they are all hidden activities that tend to be ungainly,messy and rarely discussed in polite company.

Many days I really wonder if all her years of careful diet (low sugar, low fat, low salt etc.) have been such a great trade-off. She's lived to a ripe old age to be sure, but her bone structure is weakening, her brain is fuzzy, her eyesight is fading and her heart isn't pumping effectively. Then there's the emotional toll of loneliness from outliving so many people, of lost freedom when you can no longer drive or even walk without assistance, and rage at not being the person you once were. The only plus to senility is you can't remember your former self.

Is it all bad? Some days the Eskimo ice floe solution to old age seems quite sensible, but then I recoil in horror. This is my mother I am talking about! What transpires is a psychic tug of war. Part of me thinks that her death would not be such a bad thing. The other part of me scolds "How could you think such a thing?" I have been through this territory with patients many times. What I am bumping into is old primitive rage from frustrated needs when I was teeny-tiny. No doubt my dear old mother told little me that I couldn't eat a cookie one time because it was too close to dinner. Little me was furious and thought "I wish you were dead!" Now, fast forward to today and the old gal is fading pretty fast. Who is responsible for her inexorable descent towards the grave? Why me, of course! Little me's curse is now coming to pass. It's a tough interior battle, because my mother at one time was so essential for my very survival. Little me is terrified. Big me knows this is the way of life......Sigh!

[Elton John breaks into "The Circle of Life" while a beautiful sunset appears on the horizon]