Careful little parameters

I had to laugh when re-reading yesterday's post. I now see my thinly disguised rage at the hospital system dripping psychological name calling and topped with sugary nice words. I guess I can be forgiven for some anger.

Meanwhile, I just finished "Leaving Church" by Barbara Brown Taylor. Since I left church almost two years ago, after many many years of dutiful attendance followed by many more as a "pillar" of the church, I was curious to read her story. She writes beautifully-at times achingly so. Her story is not mine. Her reasons for leaving church are not mine either, but there are familiar stories of too much frenetic church activity and too many demands for one human to endure. Later she speaks eloquently about seeing God at work outside the safe walls of the church.

Many years ago, I described myself as living within careful little parameters. Little by little, I found them to be flimsy cardboard parameters which I could knock down or step over with ease. But before they fell, they gave the illusion of being huge, permanent and insurmountable. Over time, the parameters which had both defined me and restricted me have been systematically demolished.

The institutional church for me was the last careful little parameter to fall. I have traveled from denomination to denomination and each one sooner or later became another prison to me. Although I am thankful for what I learned from each faith community, ultimately I learned the same thing: "you don't belong here". And I would move on. When I left the last church, it was very hard because I knew I would not be going to the warm welcome of another church home. I would be homeless and live on the edge of the map as Barbara Brown Taylor describes this place. The surprising thing has been my faith is still strong, although at times I sorely miss having a faith family and a faith identity. But that lack of identity removes a potential barrier between me and my patients. I am less of a threat to anyone who has been badly hurt by religion, to the non-Christian or to the unbeliever. I am also familiar with the parlance of many Christian traditions. For example, I can use a Catholic frame of reference to teach a former nun or a conservative Christian one to treat a Southern Baptist. The institution of the church formed me from birth. I am who I am, in great part, because of it. But the warnings Jesus gave to the religious folks of his time are still pertinent today and I've learned that The Way does not always stay with the careful little parameters of the institutional church.