The Ugly Duckling

USA Today ran an article about 101 most influential fictional characters this past week. Of course part of the fun of reading such lists is disagreeing with the compiler. Fairy tales once again got a bad rap. These stories are not the psychically damaging, anachronistic, patriarchal propaganda that some parents groups believe. They are how children over many ages have been able to safely discharge their forbidden inner aggressive and sexual impulses. Children love fairy tales, the more violent the better. They love it when Handsel and Gretel shove that mean old witch in the oven. They love it when the wolf eats Grandma and when Jack outwits the giant and steals the goose that lays golden eggs. Experienced Moms and Dads know full well how small children beg to hear these stories over and over and over again.

The list authors state that The Ugly Duckling insults 90% of the population because it emphasizes beauty. Boy, do they have that wrong! In my office, I have multiple copies of that story including the original version, a little kid simplified version and gorgeous Caldecott award edition which I hand out to patients to read. Adults and children love the story because it helps them see their long-standing sense of alienation, of not fitting in or of not belonging in an entirely different light. The adult who walks into my office is usually the pick of the litter, the best one of a disturbed family system. It's the problem solver of the family who seeks help. I've had competent, capable, accomplished people sob because their family members routinely run them down when they excel and ascribe to them selfish motives for very kind acts. One woman was deeply hurt because her mother called her the ugly duckling of the family. The woman didn't know the story. She thought her mom was once again reminding her, as if she didn't already know, that she was not as pretty as her sister. I sent her home with two versions of the book. She needed to know the end of the story.

I also read this story to little kids who have been removed from bad homes or have been adopted to help them understand that the problem is not them but the owners of the nest into which they were born. I will read this to very bright children who have been born into an average family. Such kids are routinely misunderstood by the adults in their lives and not infrequently think they are stupid or have dumbed themselves down to fit into their world. The Ugly Duckling tells kids that is you won't always be living with this bunch of birds you are living with now and it is possible to find similar birds to hang with when you leave the nest.